Guns are serious business, but every now and then it’s nice to have some fun with ourselves and laugh and joke.
So, like chain restaurants do with specialty burgers and house-made sandwiches, I’ve tried typecasting gun owners based on what guns they carry.
Yeah, it’s a bit sophomoric and yields us no greater insight into who we are as members of a gun-loving community. But hey, I had a good time doing it, so, enjoy!
The Sympathizer — You don’t carry a firearm. Instead, your belief that all humans are essentially good mandates that you carry a less-lethal device like a Taser, a stun gun or maybe even pepper spray. Since even wayward souls can be redeemed, you want to take deadly force off the table.
The Minimalist — Just the bare bones for you. It’s a mouse gun, maybe a derringer or a Heizer Pocket AK. Either way, it’s nothing big, nothing fancy, but it is enough to get the job done.
The Average Joe — Pistols! Typically of the compact or subcompact variety. Maybe it’s a Glock 43, or Shield or and XD-S. Basically, insert your favorite polymer automatic. Why stand out when you can fit in?
The Purist — God created the heavens and the earth. Then, after some serious thought, he created the wheel gun. Ah yes, it doesn’t get much better than a five or six shot revolver. Always reliable, always there when you need it.
The Planner — You’re no one-trick pony. You have multiple carry guns, one for every imaginable situation. As such, you like to plan out what to carry where. Camping in Alaska? It’s the Ruger Super Redhawk. Going for a jog? It’s a .380 ACP with a Crimson Trace laser. Sitting by the pool? It’s a Chiappa Rhino (why? I have no idea. Rhinos must like pools).
The Exhibitionist — Handgun. Pshaw! No handgun for you! You carry a long gun, and you carry it openly! Yes, part of it is designed to destigmatize the open carry of guns in your local community. But, let’s not kid ourselves, the other part is you like the attention. It’s not all about open-carry activism — is it?
The Perfectionist — Your carry gun is something that’s been worked, and re-worked 1,000 times over. It started off as a simple production pistol, but now, it is anything but. It’s got a unicorn trigger, an unobtanium slide, quad-ambidextrous controls (meaning you can release the magazine and engage the safety in four different spots). I’m thinking a Salient Arms Hi-Point? Or Dynamic Pie Concepts?
The Cowboy — The Wild West has come and gone. Yet, you like to pay homage to our Western forebears by keeping their legacy alive with a single-action Colt on your hip, along with the requisite cartridge bandolier. You want to put all the nearby rustlers, hooligans and outlaws on guard. You won’t tolerate their depredations.
The Old Breed — If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. John Moses Browning perfected the carry gun with the inception of the Model 1911. It’s survived an entire century of technological achievement — everything from the invention of the polymer pistol to the hype and bluster of the smart gun — and it’s still is every bit as attractive as the day it was born, and no one’s convincing you otherwise.
The Tackleberry — Heck, why carry one gun when you can carry several? As a Tackleberry, you carry a full-size primary firearm, a backup firearm and then a backup to your backup. You take preparation and personal self-defense to a whole new level.
The Compensator — To go along with your monster truck, mud tires, and muscle shirts, you carry a Taurus Judge or a Desert Eagle. Some say your compensating for something. We say you’re just badass.
Some notable additions from freelance writer Max Slowik:
The Soccer Mom Guard — Wallet, keys, cell phone, Beretta 92 and paddle holster. It’s not an everyday-carry piece until you’ve cleaned Froot Loops out of it. Why carry concealed when you can carry a real gun for the real world. Your EDC has destroyed more minivan seats than texting while driving and the finish has tan lines.
Tactical Timmy — You’ve shot every double-stack .45 ever made. Current carry rig includes an FNX-45 with a laser/light combo, mini red dot sight and extended, threaded barrel. Currently, you carry in a custom molded Kydex IWB holster, but you’ll transition to AIWB once you find a big-and-tall shop to make you special extra-high waistband pants — right now you think you print a little.
The Surprise Grandma — That little muff gun has been in your purse ever since your great-uncle’s best friend Thomas won it at the state fair…honey-eating contest I believe, that was more popular back then, and he was always a charmer — did you find the cough drops? Sometimes they get stuck under your flask.
Okay, your turn! What can you add to the list?