Five Insanely Offensive ‘Last Resort’ Tips to Stop a Rape

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This is a tasteless article. Let’s get that out of the way right now. It’s designed to satirize the insane advice given by anti-gunners to women who are actively being raped.

You know what advice I’m referring to, right?

If you don’t, a few years ago, the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs released 10 “last resort” tips to deter a sexual assault.

The notorious "What to Do If You Are Attacked" list published by the geniuses over at  the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs.

The notorious “What to Do If You Are Attacked” list published by the geniuses over at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs.

Notably absent on that list was anything that would actually stop a determined rapist dead in his tracks. In other words, “Carry a concealed firearm” was not on the list. But that was by design. See the do-gooders and bleeding hearts at the university don’t believe that a firearm in the hands of a law-abiding and responsible female student would be of any assistance to her should her life or sexual autonomy be threatened.

Why don’t these school leaders trust women with guns? Well, maybe they think along the same lines of Democratic State Rep. Joe Salazar, who said the following about women and guns, “Because you just don’t know who you are going to be shooting at. If you feel like you’re going to be raped or if you feel like someone’s been following you around or if you feel like you’re in trouble and when you may actually not be — that you pop out that gun and you pop-pop a round at somebody. And you might have just made a mistake.”

In Salazar’s mind, women aren’t capable of discerning when they are under attack. I can imagine someone with Salazar’s mindset questioning a victim, Why did you shoot him! Yeah, sure he was stalking you and he’s a registered sex offender with a long rap sheet of various unmentionable perversions, but how do you know he wasn’t just going to hold you down awhile and give you a noogie?! How did you know that you were actually being assaulted? You made such a terrible mistake!

Crazy, isn’t it? It should be noted that Salazar later apologized for his comments. But the attitude still remains as does this question, if anti-gun college officials and politicians are telling women they can’t defend themselves with the optimal tool for the job, then what are they, in effect, telling female students?

This is precisely where the “last resort” tips come in. Instead of carrying a firearm, they are telling women who are being raped to “Tell your attacker that you have a disease or are menstruating.” I’m not joking, that’s tip number six on the list.

“Vomiting or urinating may also convince the attacker to leave you alone,” is tip number seven. But in a perverse way my personal favorite is tip number five, “If your life is in danger, passive resistance may be your best defense.”

Really?!!! That’s tantamount to saying, “Be a victim”! Or, “Just take it.” Seriously, can you imagine giving your mother or sister or wife or girlfriend or partner that advice? I sure as hell can’t.

I’m revisiting this list now because as campus carry continues to be a hotly debated issue around the country it helps to remind the public of the messages that both sides are sending to young women. In a nutshell, pro-gunners are trying to empower female students to take responsibility for their personal safety while anti-gunners are preparing them to be victims. In the spirit of that absurd position, the resignation that our mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, etc., are victims in the waiting, here are five other “last resort” tips to deter a rape:

Reciting a song from “Cats” the Musical

What rapist, let alone any man, could stand to listen to a song from “Cats” for more than a few seconds. Whether it’s a Griddlebone number or a Bustopher Jones solo or a Mr. Mistoffelees aria, women should pick a song and memorize it. During a rape, the young lady should launch into the song which should send the perp running.

Planking

No one knows why it is was popular but at some point in then last few years people thought mimicking a plank of wood — hence the term “planking” — was funny or cool or entertaining. It involves lying face down with one’s hands at one’s side in a stiff and rigid posture. Again, just like a plank. Stupid, yes; very stupid. But it went mainstream. Women should consider this while being assaulted. The rapist may think that you’re actually a piece of wood or that you’re so 2013, i.e. behind the times, that’ll he’ll just walk away in disgust.

Capture on a Selfie Stick

Selfie sticks are common these days. Women should always have them handy. And in the event of a rape, well, women should simply record the confrontation and immediately post it to social media. Don’t forget to use #I’mBeingRaped and #Help!.

Defecate

The initial list stopped short of defecation. Why? If one is willing to vomit and urinate, why not take this unseemly strategy to its logical conclusion and advocate for evacuating one’s bowels?

Of course it’s demeaning and degrading and downright gross, but (to the bleeding hearts) it’s not nearly as bad as carrying a concealed firearm. No, that is simply beyond the pal. Women should shit themselves as they’re being raped before they should be allowed to carry a gun.

So yeah, women should defecate during an attack.  To aid in the process, women should always have laxatives in their purses.

Rape the Raper

Arguably the most controversial tactic, why don’t women just rape the raper? That is to say, turn the tables on the perv. Heck, there’s that old saying, “If you can’t beat em, join em.” Well, if you can’t beat him at his own game, you might as well start playing too.

Conclusion

Yeah, I understand. All of what was just said was rather disgusting and offensive and inane. But that was the point, to parody the logic of bleeding hearts. And quite truthfully, to me, it’s no more disgusting or insulting or inane than telling a woman that “You shouldn’t carry a firearm because we don’t trust you to identify a credible threat.”

Now, I also understand that critics will argue that there is a middle ground between carrying a firearm and singing cats and/or vomiting on oneself to deter a rape. And I agree on that. There are other things women can do to bolster their defense posture short of carrying concealed, i.e. self-defense classes, carrying a less-lethal device like a taser, traveling in groups while on campus, etc.

However, I believe that it’s ultimately a woman’s right to choose what tool or self-defense technique suits her needs. Therefore, it is wrong — not to mention unconstitutional — to take the optimal tool for the job off the table with bans on concealed carry. Sure, not every female college student believes that carrying a gun will make them safer. But for the one’s that do, for the one’s who would prefer to carry over embrace a list of insanely stupid “last resort” tips, I think the least we can do as a society is allow them to exercise their right to keep and bear arms.

{ 22 comments… add one }
  • Scott April 28, 2015, 6:57 pm

    Trying to knock up wife just so we can get an abortion.

  • Dennis C April 28, 2015, 10:58 am

    A friend of mine is a retired LEO of 40 years. Last week he told me a story of a small, devout, angelic elderly lady’s assault: She woke up to see her assailant in her bedroom. He got on his knees and demanded oral sex. She grabbed his testicles with both hands and all her strength and twisted. He tried to escape dragging her with him telling her to release him. She knew he would kill her if she released him. She made him call 911 himself. The 911 tape: Come get this bitch off me! He was happy to meet the cops. She was beat up pretty badly but fine. Cops always have the best stories.

  • Brian April 27, 2015, 3:36 pm

    I a husband and a father of a 20 yo beautiful woman. Im also a christian respector of life gun carring martial artist that trains to tactical situations. Both my lovely ladies can shot a gun or break your arm but i still have them ALWAYS carry a mix pepper spray mace. Why? Because often they go into areas that don’t allow firearms. Such as schools and college campuses. Train train train be prepared and choose a tactic. Even if its not a gun, readiness is the ultimate weapon.

  • Jerry VanCook April 27, 2015, 3:26 pm

    In addition to formal martial arts and pragmatic close quarters combat to military and police, I have taught women’s self-defense for well over 40 years now. During that time, I have received several “Thank You” notes from females who believed that what I had taught them had kept them from being raped, robbed, and/or murdered. NO AMOUNT of money is worth these letters to me. Remember ladies: There are two areas on a man’s body that not only hurt like crazy but send fear straight to his brain. They both come in pairs, and the eyes are one of them.

  • Andrew N. April 27, 2015, 1:04 pm

    Yes, women are silly-hearts and have weak constitutions, and shouldn’t even THINK about the possibility of rape. I told my daughter to just cry like a little girl, that would help. For the police, anyway. She has been taught to shoot, and despite all my efforts, she keeps shooting man-sized targets in the groin. I guess that might be an effective deterrent. “Remove the rapist’s penis and testicles with a well-placed pistol round” could be added to the list of possible choices to deter the attacker. IF she can identify him, being a girl and all.

  • Mountain Man April 27, 2015, 11:03 am

    I have read more than a few articles and editorials by S.H. Blannelberry. This is the last one. Seeing your name beneath a headline will now mean, “Don’t waste your time reading this insipid garbage.”

    You must be out of topics, S.H., to spend time ‘satirizing’ the subject of rape defense. If you had a sister who had been beaten and raped, perhaps you wouldn’t find this topic quite so amusing.

  • stravo lukos April 27, 2015, 10:50 am
  • Capn Stefano April 27, 2015, 10:07 am

    How about actually being helpful? Kino Muay Thai is a biting art, one of the arts I teach. . Bite anything that offends, ladies, as a last resort. A pecker or a carotid artery, for instance. Bite HARD and twist like a pit bull. Don’t let up until they are screaming for mercy. Joe Salazar is a typical mexican, they love rape and prefer children. Stats, not “racism”.

  • Leon April 27, 2015, 9:34 am

    #1 should be : Shoot the SOB.

  • Anonymous April 27, 2015, 9:12 am

    Interest that the right thinks women should be able to choose to whether or not to carry a gun but when it comes to abortion they don’t get a choice.

    • Capn Stefano April 27, 2015, 10:10 am

      Maybe because abortion is 1st degree premeditated murder of a helpless baby. I bet you’re glad your mother didn’t murder YOU..

      • Robert April 27, 2015, 11:02 am

        Capn, you are certainly entitled to your opinion and entitled to express it.However, not everyone, including me, agrees with it. I will not try to convert you to my beliefs but please don’t expect me to convert to yours.

        • MagnumOpUS April 27, 2015, 1:02 pm

          Murdering an innocent baby is not a belief, and given the opportunity, I will shove my righteous morality down your throat repeatedly until you get it. Being pro gun alone in no way put us on the same side.

          Degenerates like you make a great argument for extreme LATE-TERM abortion!!!

      • dink winkerson April 27, 2015, 12:21 pm

        Yup, If you believe in abortion you shouldn’t be able to carry a gun, you’re predisposed to murder.

    • Larry April 27, 2015, 11:56 am

      So, killing a rapist in the act or killing an unborn is one & the same to you? Another question is how did you get so mentally sick? Are you one of those who thinks abortion is just fine right up to the moment of birth but you’ll fight for every POS convicted & sentenced to death for their crimes?

  • law dawg April 27, 2015, 3:51 am

    It’s always a treasure to read the insane crap that polititions pollute the communities with. The arrogance and superficial rethoric that spews forth from that hole in their heads called a mouth.makes me want to vomit. The only good rapist is dead one. This country has become lawless, moral less, and doers of evil. Ten ways to fight off s rapist, what laugh, there’s one way the only way to deal with them… A bullet to the brain pan. A dead rapist I’d a good one.

    • Doc Loch April 27, 2015, 11:35 am

      Hey, that’s racist against rapists! Oh, wait, rapists aren’t a race? Okay, then it’s sexist! Yeah, that’s it! “The only good rapist is a dead rapist.” How can you be so extreme? [SARC] A liberal’s actual thinking. A victim’s actual thinking. A rapist’s probable thinking.

      ‘Fraid I’m with you bud. Women shoot better or just as well as men and any one denying them of their right is the true sexist! What has happened to logic and sense?

  • Al April 21, 2015, 6:29 pm

    You could also offer the rapist oral sex and then pepper spray his junk or make believe it says Oscar Meyer; but a well placed knife wound to the femoral artery on either side will certainly change his mind and give him 30 seconds to repent his sins. A hook bladed karambit style knife will do the job very well.

    • Al April 21, 2015, 8:57 pm

      As an afterthought: BudK sells the Honshu Karambit for $39. If you don’t want to kill the guy just slice his rucksack and when he lets go to catch his prairie oysters, lop off his ear or hook the blade behind his windpipe and pull it right through. He’ll change his mind.

      • Larry April 27, 2015, 11:51 am

        Gosh, I sure like your thinking! Does anyone think that makes me a bad person? HAR!

    • TPSnodgrass April 27, 2015, 12:44 pm

      Al,
      Surely, you are not “suggesting” that a potential rape victim use a kerambit style knife to give her assailant a “field expedient vasectomy”? Gasp! Oh, the horror of such a suggestion! How could you use such…..common sense?

      Great suggestion, Al. Hope the women in our lives use it. The predators deserve what they get from their intended “victims”. I wonder IF Salazar would change his tune a bit if his female significant other or women in his family were chosen as “victims”?(probably not, he’s a political whore, so those women in his family are expendable…to him)

      Thankfully, political pimps like Representative Salazar are as dense as they are arrogant. What a douche bag Salazar is. The women in our family won’t respond like he wants them to, perhaps Salazar wants women to ACT like victims for his own selfish purposes? Just asking…

  • terry April 21, 2015, 4:55 pm

    Well gosh.at least they.won’t have a scary gun to carry, that would make.them evil you know, and besides, they wouldn’t know who to shoot at being girls and all. They might get.confused and.pop, pop, they will of course shoot the wrong person. How could they tell who is trying to rape them? And pop, pop, there goes another innocent victim, cuz girls wouldn’t know who to shoot.

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