Five Insanely Offensive ‘Last Resort’ Tips to Stop a Rape

This is a tasteless article. Let’s get that out of the way right now. It’s designed to satirize the insane advice given by anti-gunners to women who are actively being raped.

You know what advice I’m referring to, right?

If you don’t, a few years ago, the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs released 10 “last resort” tips to deter a sexual assault.

Notably absent on that list was anything that would actually stop a determined rapist dead in his tracks. In other words, “Carry a concealed firearm” was not on the list. But that was by design. See the do-gooders and bleeding hearts at the university don’t believe that a firearm in the hands of a law-abiding and responsible female student would be of any assistance to her should her life or sexual autonomy be threatened.

Why don’t these school leaders trust women with guns? Well, maybe they think along the same lines of Democratic State Rep. Joe Salazar, who said the following about women and guns, “Because you just don’t know who you are going to be shooting at. If you feel like you’re going to be raped or if you feel like someone’s been following you around or if you feel like you’re in trouble and when you may actually not be — that you pop out that gun and you pop-pop a round at somebody. And you might have just made a mistake.”

In Salazar’s mind, women aren’t capable of discerning when they are under attack. I can imagine someone with Salazar’s mindset questioning a victim, Why did you shoot him! Yeah, sure he was stalking you and he’s a registered sex offender with a long rap sheet of various unmentionable perversions, but how do you know he wasn’t just going to hold you down awhile and give you a noogie?! How did you know that you were actually being assaulted? You made such a terrible mistake!

Crazy, isn’t it? It should be noted that Salazar later apologized for his comments. But the attitude still remains as does this question, if anti-gun college officials and politicians are telling women they can’t defend themselves with the optimal tool for the job, then what are they, in effect, telling female students?

This is precisely where the “last resort” tips come in. Instead of carrying a firearm, they are telling women who are being raped to “Tell your attacker that you have a disease or are menstruating.” I’m not joking, that’s tip number six on the list.

“Vomiting or urinating may also convince the attacker to leave you alone,” is tip number seven. But in a perverse way my personal favorite is tip number five, “If your life is in danger, passive resistance may be your best defense.”

Really?!!! That’s tantamount to saying, “Be a victim”! Or, “Just take it.” Seriously, can you imagine giving your mother or sister or wife or girlfriend or partner that advice? I sure as hell can’t.

I’m revisiting this list now because as campus carry continues to be a hotly debated issue around the country it helps to remind the public of the messages that both sides are sending to young women. In a nutshell, pro-gunners are trying to empower female students to take responsibility for their personal safety while anti-gunners are preparing them to be victims. In the spirit of that absurd position, the resignation that our mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, etc., are victims in the waiting, here are five other “last resort” tips to deter a rape:

Reciting a song from “Cats” the Musical

What rapist, let alone any man, could stand to listen to a song from “Cats” for more than a few seconds. Whether it’s a Griddlebone number or a Bustopher Jones solo or a Mr. Mistoffelees aria, women should pick a song and memorize it. During a rape, the young lady should launch into the song which should send the perp running.

Planking

No one knows why it is was popular but at some point in then last few years people thought mimicking a plank of wood — hence the term “planking” — was funny or cool or entertaining. It involves lying face down with one’s hands at one’s side in a stiff and rigid posture. Again, just like a plank. Stupid, yes; very stupid. But it went mainstream. Women should consider this while being assaulted. The rapist may think that you’re actually a piece of wood or that you’re so 2013, i.e. behind the times, that’ll he’ll just walk away in disgust.

Capture on a Selfie Stick

Selfie sticks are common these days. Women should always have them handy. And in the event of a rape, well, women should simply record the confrontation and immediately post it to social media. Don’t forget to use #I’mBeingRaped and #Help!.

Defecate

The initial list stopped short of defecation. Why? If one is willing to vomit and urinate, why not take this unseemly strategy to its logical conclusion and advocate for evacuating one’s bowels?

Of course it’s demeaning and degrading and downright gross, but (to the bleeding hearts) it’s not nearly as bad as carrying a concealed firearm. No, that is simply beyond the pal. Women should shit themselves as they’re being raped before they should be allowed to carry a gun.

So yeah, women should defecate during an attack.  To aid in the process, women should always have laxatives in their purses.

Rape the Raper

Arguably the most controversial tactic, why don’t women just rape the raper? That is to say, turn the tables on the perv. Heck, there’s that old saying, “If you can’t beat em, join em.” Well, if you can’t beat him at his own game, you might as well start playing too.

Conclusion

Yeah, I understand. All of what was just said was rather disgusting and offensive and inane. But that was the point, to parody the logic of bleeding hearts. And quite truthfully, to me, it’s no more disgusting or insulting or inane than telling a woman that “You shouldn’t carry a firearm because we don’t trust you to identify a credible threat.”

Now, I also understand that critics will argue that there is a middle ground between carrying a firearm and singing cats and/or vomiting on oneself to deter a rape. And I agree on that. There are other things women can do to bolster their defense posture short of carrying concealed, i.e. self-defense classes, carrying a less-lethal device like a taser, traveling in groups while on campus, etc.

However, I believe that it’s ultimately a woman’s right to choose what tool or self-defense technique suits her needs. Therefore, it is wrong — not to mention unconstitutional — to take the optimal tool for the job off the table with bans on concealed carry. Sure, not every female college student believes that carrying a gun will make them safer. But for the one’s that do, for the one’s who would prefer to carry over embrace a list of insanely stupid “last resort” tips, I think the least we can do as a society is allow them to exercise their right to keep and bear arms.