The Top 5 Guns for Hunting Sasquatch

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Cute, isn't he? Don't be fooled. He'll drink your milkshake.

Cute, isn’t he? Don’t be fooled. He’ll drink your milkshake.

There’s a growing menace on the American horizon. Trashcans in campgrounds across this country are being overturned. Clotheslines across the heartland are being torn from their moorings, and laundry scattered hither and yon. Though late night cable crews work assiduously to capture images of the vermin, their efforts have been fruitless. Half-assed, I say. It is up to us, the sportsmen of this venerable Republic to stand united and bag these unruly brutes. With that noble goal in mind, I present the top 5 guns for hunting Sasquatch.

1. The Noreen BN36 .30-06 AR Pattern Rifle

Many who face off against the Sasquatch swear by the stopping power of the big bore rifle. The bigger the bore, the better, they claim. This is an especially good strategy for those who hunt Sasquatch from a distance, though this is the least productive hunting method. For me, bolt actions are nonstarters, unless required by law (Massachusetts—shame on you!). Instead, I suggest the repeatability of the AR pattern rifles, and no one knows big bore ARs like Noreen. They even make one is .338 Lapua.

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Long range and hard hitting, the BN36 is a must for open range Sasquatch hunts.

I suggest the stalk hunt in heavy cover. Many Sasquatch stalkers trust the .308, but I say take it further. Look to the .30-06 AR platform rifles. The increase in power over the .308 will give you the edge, and the fast action of the AR platform allows for consistent followup shots without the hassle of cycling a bolt by hand.

The compact size of a short barreled Saiga 12 is great for the close quarters of the swamp.

The compact size of a short barreled Saiga 12 is great for the close quarters of the swamp.

2. The Saiga 12

Louisiana allows Sasquatch hunting with dogs. While the swamps of the Sportsman’s Paradise can pose significant hazards for hunters and hounds, dog hunting is a great way to run down and tire out a Sasquatch (though I wouldn’t take your favorite dogs). Do they make disposable dogs? If they do, take those.

For this sort of hunt, I recommend serious firepower. The Sasquatch may burst from cover at close range. A shotgun is the obvious choice, but not just any old scatter-gun. I’m leaning on our Russian friends’ expertise and suggesting the Saiga 12. Shorten the barrel, tune the gas system, and pick up a solid, working drum mag. Alternate shot to approximate the old buck-and-ball side-by-side school of shotgunnery. One round of 00 buck followed closely by a slug. The first will stun a Squatch, the second may finish him off. This is the way the Chinese have chosen to handle the Yeti they frequently encounter in Tibetan Highlands.

Don't let its mild plastic exterior fool you. The GLOCK 20 is about as much pistol as a man can handle.

Don’t let its mild plastic exterior fool you. The GLOCK 20 is about as much pistol as a man can handle.

3. GLOCK 20

I wouldn’t ever go on a hunt, anywhere, without a backup gun. Many Sasquatch hunters are seduced by the big bore revolvers. I’m more concerned with capacity. If there are no limitations on how you hunt, pick up a GLOCK 20. The gun offers incredible stopping power, better-than-revolver-capacity, and fast magazine changes.

I’m a long-time devotee of the 20. While some folks have a hard time holding down the wicked muzzle flip, I say bring it on. The .40 S&W wants to be a 10mm when it grows up. If all my guns were on a football team, this dude would be in the offensive line. Nothing defensive about this gun–it may be all that stands between you and 600 pounds of furry bipedal fury. But it will get the job done.

This is how my old great grandpa hunted Sasquatch, back when he was just a boy in wilds of Wisconsin.

This is how my old great grandpa hunted Sasquatch, back when he was just a boy in wilds of Wisconsin.

4. The Colt Walker

Very few states have limits on Sasquatch, but the actual restrictions on how you hunt can be intense. Arkansas, for example, considers Sasquatch vermin and allows sportsmen unlimited opportunities for bagging the big ugly beasts. New York State, despite its long sporting history, limits the way you can hunt Sasquatch (Damn the SAFE Act!). They want to give ol’ Bigfoot a sporting chance.

Black powder is the only way. While we would normally suggest one of the new in-line muzzleloaders for whitetail, one shot may not be enough. Here, we’re going with the Sasquatch of black powder pistols, the Colt Walker. The Walker is capable of delivering six rounds of .457—147 grains each, reasonably fast. The rounds leave the muzzle around 1,450 FPS. Uberti makes a good reproduction of the Walker, and it is ideal.

And we thought drones were a new invention. Here one carries an E5. Scary.

And we thought drones were a new invention. Here one carries an E5. Scary.

5. E-5 Blaster Rifle

While the furry hordes that stalk our imaginations can prove insanely difficult to actually find, these creatures were once numerous. In the year 19BBY, the Wookies, a sentient ancestor of our contemporary Sasquatch, were so numerous and troublesome in the Mid Rim Kashyyyk region of the Mytaranor sector that a drone army was sent to intercede.

The standard blaster rifle of the OOM and B1 battle droids, the E-5 Blaster Rifle was a powerful, light, but somewhat inaccurate weapon. The benefit, of course, was that the E-5 had a capacity of 500 shots. The Baktoid Armor Workshop originals are worth a fortune, but like the Walker, reproductions are readily available.

Get Hunting!

We all know Sasquatches exist, and those that don’t know either refuse to believe or haven’t realized it yet.  But they do exist…  As for why no one has found a Sasquatch carcass?  That’s easy, they bury their dead just like humans.

An appropraite gun is only half of the battle. You may also need to know how they hide. And the Sasquatch, like many of us, has an alias or two. We’ll end with the list of names. It is long, but worth a good read.

The Wood Man
Boqs
Snanaik
Bushmen
Timber Giants
Big Figure
Bukwas/Bukwus
Wild Man of the Woods
Dzonoqua/Tsonoqua
Wild Woman of the Woods
evil seeker
Sne nah, or Owl Women
Tsadjatko, or giants
Skukum
Hecaitomixw, or Devil of the Forest
Oeh
Tsaaloh, or, Giants
Stick Indians
Sasquatch
Windigo
The Hairy Man
Nant’ina
Get’qun
Na’in, or Brushman
Koosh Taa Kaa, or Otterman
Nantiinaq
Urayuli
Miitiipi
Madukarahat, or Giant
Loo poo oi’yes
Yahyahaas
Yeti
Olayome
Oh-Mah
Stoneclad
Nun Yunu Wi
The Stone Man
Kecleh-Kudleh
Ot ne yar heh
Stonish Giants
Ge no sqwa
The Stone Giants
Ge no’sgwa
The Stone Coats
Esti Capcaki
Albatwitches
Chiye tanka
Rugaru
The Big Man
Woods Devils
See’atco
Skookum
Yi’ dyi’ tay
Tsiatko
Seatco
Tso’apittse
Cannibal
Ste ye hah
Splintercat
Yeahoh
So’yoko
T’oylona
Atahsaia
Char-Man
stetats
Nalusa Falaya
Shampe
Skunk ape
Swamp ape
Tornit
Ice Giant
Man-mountain
Chenoo
Gilyuk
Nyalmo
Orang Dalam
Bosjesman
Oo-el-en
Zoobie
Momo
Lizard man
Flint Monster
Kung-Lu
Stick Indian
Tuneq
Massikruman
Chuchunaa
Nakani
Nuk-Luk
Devil Monkey
Honey Island Swamp Monster
No Heads
No necks
Catamounts
Mount St. Helens gorillas
Goat man
Ft. Worth Monster
Fouke Monster
Boggy Creek Monster

 

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{ 20 comments… add one }
  • Steve February 8, 2017, 1:44 pm

    Regarding the Walker revolver, did your great grand pappy ever harvest a bigfoot or was he more successful at getting the “pinktail doe, like the one in the cartoon picture? …and here you are, 2 generations later. Lol..

  • Dave Hicks October 30, 2016, 12:21 pm

    Don’t worry about hunting the “Bigfoot” monster in ARKANSAS we all got em whipped out from here years ago. Course we all still hunt with muzzle loaders is why. Come to the Ozarks and you’ll find mounted heads of them in bout every other gas station.

  • Bubbles October 29, 2016, 5:14 pm

    It’s a Samsquanch… Probably a ten footer by the looks of that stuff.

  • Harry October 29, 2016, 2:46 pm

    Leave Bigfoot alone. They’ve got enough troubles without humans taking shots at em.

  • BUGEATER October 8, 2014, 11:37 am

    It is illegal to kill the big furry thing in the state of Washington So all you hunters beware when it attacks you, you must accept your punishment. I do like the article as I did not know there was a 30-06 offered in that platform. keep up the good work.

  • Old gunsmith October 8, 2014, 1:28 am

    I prefer the SCAR 17 with a a 1-6 Leupold for Sasquatch hunting.
    Fast handling, light recoil, and accurate, and half a mag of .308 soft point
    will put a ‘Squatch hide on your garage door in no time.

  • Russ October 6, 2014, 9:17 pm

    Poor Devil Monkey

  • Gene October 6, 2014, 5:27 pm

    Boy; you got that right Tom!!!

  • Tom October 6, 2014, 4:53 pm

    With all the corrupt politicians starting wars, then losing them, only to start another. I think open season on traitors should overshadow bothering some hairy beast who had done nothing to harm anyone.
    We should “clean up our own house” before we go messing with Natures domain.

    I would imagine that even the Hairy Beast, has more compassion that this countries leadership. Two young black thugs met their predictable end, and Obama injected himself and the DOJ into local police jurisdiction…. Today we laid to rest a two Star US General killed in Afghanistan, serving his country…

    Obama was GOLFING, and couldn’t be bothered. How do you think the troops feel about that, and a US Marine still being held captive after almost 6 months in MEXICO. …and Obama plays GOLF.

    37 high ranking US officers have left the service because their experience and view points posed a threat to his highness the Commander & Chief. We lost 37 highly experienced Combat Officers…and the Taliban gained 5 of their top leadership in exchange for a US traitor who abandoned his post and joined the enemy.

    Leave the hairy beast alone, save your ammo as Obama has invited ISIS into the US and put ICE on Stand Down while 70% of the Border Patrol is babysitting.

    Your going to need your ammo, just wait and see..

    TOM

    • J. W. October 6, 2014, 8:51 pm

      When will we all see the pattern that government uses to keep us fearful and divided? Obama is just a sock puppet doing the bidding of “the elite”.

      Tom you mentioned ISIS, the latest boogeyman to make us feel we need a government to protect us.

      Everyone of these boogeyman from Quadaffi, to Bin Laden, to Al queda, Taliban, Saddam Hussein, and now ISIS have been funded or put into place by our gov. They need an enemy for the US public to fear to keep us fearful and our attention off of the crimes OUR government continually commits.

      Hell, one day they just may use bigfoot if it benefits their agenda.

  • Russ October 6, 2014, 2:19 pm

    I like the G29 better, just because it’s smaller and can pack it just in case.
    But hey! Don’t kill Big Foot, he’s a bro and can show you how to survive the wilderness.
    Maybe use the girl for bait and Tranq him with a http://daninjectdartguns.com
    Tie him up and make him watch you and the girl, tease him till he talks.
    Just don’t kill the big guy.
    He’s probably our ancestor that didn’t get DNA screwed with by ET’s.

  • MAPofFLA October 6, 2014, 12:59 pm

    I know the article is tongue in cheek, but there is always going to be someone who doesn’t get it, or doesn’t want to. If definitive proof of Bigfoot’s existence is found and genetic testing shows that it is another human species, you can be sure that some DA somewhere will charge you with murder if you kill it without provocation.

  • D Hicks October 6, 2014, 9:22 am

    Ha funny! Go to bogey creek Arkansas if you are looking for bigfoot.They see them all the time, even made a movie about them, you can Google it.

    • Kevmeistah October 7, 2014, 8:38 am

      Why would anyone want to Google a Sasquatch?

  • d v watkins October 6, 2014, 8:50 am

    you must admit tho, that is one sexy cartoon babe

  • Smokey Brown October 6, 2014, 8:09 am

    Why would you want to kill bigfoot? A animal that could hold secrets that would benifit mankind and you want to kill it. Bad concept from the word GO.

    • nate October 6, 2014, 3:17 pm

      For the SAME reason Steven Spielberg killed the Triceratops….

      • Kevmeistah October 7, 2014, 8:36 am

        LOL!

  • W. Clardy October 6, 2014, 7:21 am

    All that just to justify an artist’s representation of a pair of Daisy Dukes?

    • Hard Water October 7, 2014, 10:02 am

      And whats your point?

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