It’s time we start publicly torturing mass killers. Let’s pluck out their eyes with hot pincers, splash frothing sulfuric acid on their genitals and, just about the time they’re starting to convalesce, bury them alive in a hill of agitated African army ants (“Siafu,” as they’re known in Swahili). Did I mention we should also saw off their hands and feet? No, okay, put that on the list too. We will film this spectacle and upload it to Youtube for all to see.
The message it sends will be clear. If you kill innocent school children, you will be tortured to death. It will not be pleasant. Oh no. On the contrary, it will be extremely painful. That’s what torture is. Gratuitous and unrelenting suffering.
Sure, you may think you have a foolproof plan to take innocent lives that ends rather humanely with suicide by cop or you taking your own life. Guess what? We’re are going to do everything in our power to ensure that doesn’t happen. We are going to stress the use of less-lethal force, e.g. stun guns, pepper balls, batons, etc., when apprehending you. We want you alive! And, we will make every effort to take you alive. Even if that means bringing you back from the dead.
SEE ALSO: Do You Support Torture?
We want you to know that killing comes at a cost. Shall you proceed you will be staring down the barrel of unthinkable hurt. Searing hot pincers, a rusty hacksaw, flesh-melting acid, and insects with piercing mandibles. We know that this must resonate with you. Because as crazy as you are you navigate society well enough to avoid discomfort. You don’t randomly run into traffic or set yourself on fire. If you did, well, you wouldn’t be the threat that you are today.
Yes, we get it. You have a death wish. But remember, it’s one thing not to fear death. Especially in abstract terms. It’s quite another not to fear being eaten alive by ants. We believe that this approach may silence those demonic voices that speak to you from the radiator or the microwave or the fern in the neighbor’s yard or whatever force it is that drives your homicidal rage.
We’re banking on the fact that pain is a universal language. Everyone speaks it fluently. Even you. So, we are no longer going to allow the abject pain of grieving mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters to go unanswered. A reckoning is coming. Consider this your final warning.
You think that’s crazy, right? Short of crazy, it’s also unconstitutional. The 8th Amendment reads, “Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted” (emphasis added). While legal scholars may split hairs over what constitutes “cruel and unusual,” I don’t think anyone would disagree that what I’ve outlined above foots that bill. It is certainly cruel and certainly unusual. Ergo, it is unconstitutional.
But hey, that’s what anti-gunners want to do. They want to rewrite the constitution and repeal one’s individual right to keep and bear arms. All I’m saying is that before we shred the 2A and render the average Joe defenseless in the face of evil we ought to consider, at least, shredding the 8A. Let’s see how that plays out.
Look, we know gun control doesn’t work. Killers don’t care about gun laws. Never have, never will. Talking “gun violence prevention” strategies to eradicate mass killings at these roundtable discussions and town hall events is tantamount to banging one’s head against the wall. Given that very reasonable solutions, like hardening schools and encouraging citizens to carry concealed and cracking down on straw purchasers, are non-starters (Because they’re actually common sense workable solutions that have proven to be effective), we have to consider new alternatives to appease the anti-gun/anti-constitution lobby.
Well, here it is. Let’s start publicly torturing and executing murderers. Enough with the club fed treatment for sociopaths. No more 8×8 cell with a cushy bed and a running toilet. No more lengthy appeal process to prolong their stint on death row. And, no more easy-peasy lethal injection. It’s time to get medieval on these psychos.
(Do I really support sawing off limbs and splashing acid on convicts? Heck no. I oppose torture for the reasons laid out in this article. My point is that as absurd as it is to publicly torture perpetrators of mass violence it’s even more absurd to infringe on one’s right to keep and bear arms. Let’s stop the abusrdity!)