ANTIFA’s Top 5 Weapons

ANTIFA’s Top 5 Weapons

Editor’s Note: This article was written by Trace Munson and was first published by our friends over at Freedom’s Lodge. It is being syndicated here on GunsAmerica with their permission. We hope that you find it as amusing as we did 🙂

Even if you’ve been living under a rock, you have no doubt heard of ANTIFA–and that would probably be because some ANTIFA dork took that rock off the top of your head and hurled it at a cop. ANTIFA, which in the amusing doublespeak of the anti-gunner stands for “anti-fascist,” has been quite busy of late. Between fomenting riotsbreaking windows, and setting downtowns on fire, they have also found the time to create some…interesting…weapons technology.

In the interest of investigative journalism, I recently went undercover and infiltrated an ANTIFA weapons engineering center. I assure you that it was a fascinating tale of bravery and derring-do, but you’ll have to take my word on that one. Having escaped by a red Pelosi hair, I have returned with their latest top-secret technology. Sit back and prepare to be impressed by the top 5 weapons of America’s latest media darlings!

ANTIFA’s Top 5 Weapons

1. High-Impact Right Rectangular Prism

This ANTIFA weapon is, in many ways, the cornerstone of their armory. Seasoned shooters may marvel at the ballistic insufficiency of this three-dimensional rectangle, but in field use the high-impact right rectangular prism (HIIRP) has proven quite effective at shattering store windows. Although its size and weight make the HIIRP difficult to conceal in an everyday carry rig, ANTIFA has solved this problem by strategically leaving cached supplies of this remarkable feat of Communist engineering.

ANTIFA’s Top 5 Weapons
Dad, put money on my university meal card.

2. Aromatic Hydrocarbon Incendiary Device

Here’s another astonishing innovation from the top minds of ANTIFA: the aromatic hydrocarbon incendiary device (AHID). This advanced technology uses a combination of fused silicates, hydrocarbon fossil fuels, and a special matrix constructed of 50% cotton and 50% poly. Once assembled, the AHID can function both as a ballistic weapon and as an incendiary device–if the impact doesn’t disable the target, the burst of flame will. This high-tech addition to the ANTIFA arsenal is just proof positive of how collectivism drives innovation.

ANTIFA’s Top 5 Weapons

3. Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation

Although Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation is actually a technology that was developed prior to the existence of ANTIFA, they’re certainly proud to claim it. Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation is a bit of a tongue-twister, though, so ANTIFA is considering calling this the Oedipus Stick. Because their own mommies either didn’t love them enough (or maybe way too much), they’re now driven to point Oedipus Sticks into the eyes of law enforcement personnel in an attempt to permanently blind them. (But that’s okay because at least they’re not using guns!)

ANTIFA’s Top 5 Weapons
That’s weird. It usually takes at least a year for Communism to cause food shortages.

4. Personnel Offensive Olfactory Tear-Gas

It’s very clear from the design of the Personnel Offensive Olfactory Tear-Gas (POOT) weapon that ANTIFA has taken its cue from law enforcement. Unlike the PepperBall, tear gas, or oleoresin capsaicin spray, the POOT is auto-replenishing and designed for easy in-body concealment. My research at ANTIFA has proven that the power behind the POOT is, in fact, the very same vegan food demanded by the protest leader in the tweet above.

It’s unclear how this technology was originally developed, but ordinary citizens can experience the devastating power of the vegan-food powered POOT by walking down the aisles at their local Trader Joe’s (although we strongly recommend a little Vick’s Vapo-Rub under the nostrils if you attempt this experiment).

ANTIFA’s Top 5 Weapons
Get enough of them lined up and you’ll have a Human Communi-pede!

5. Media Sycophants

Confession time: I didn’t actually find any media sycophants in the ANTIFA armory that I infiltrated. That’s because ANTIFA’s ultimate weapon is a media that is doing everything in its power to cast their brick-hucking, Molotov-cocktail throwing, cop-blinding, city-burning activities as “peaceful protest.” This is in contrast to the way that media treated the “End the Quarantine” protestors, who were cast as violent and dangerous nut-bags. (Never mind that there were exactly zero instances of violence of any kind at the armed “end the quarantine” protests.)

And that’s where the true weapons innovation genius is within ANTIFA…you don’t need your weapon to be sophisticated when you have a media willing to do every other single bit of dirty work for you.

Did we miss an ANTIFA weapon? Let us know in the comments if your urban espionage has turned up anything new!

Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.

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  • Merkureal August 21, 2020, 2:33 pm

    We antifa are opposed to physical violence, but violence and repression against us and in support of the fascist regime and it ancillary elements will be met with violence.

    We ARE arming up.

  • Alex August 8, 2020, 11:27 pm

    Hey antifa thought you were going to stop the black hills rally, NOT

  • Jack sprat July 31, 2020, 10:57 pm

    Wow….you have really drank the kool- aide.

  • Person of Interest July 31, 2020, 6:22 pm

    Hahaha! Loved the dry tongue-in-cheek humor!
    How about this for another commonly found ANTIFA weapon of choice?

    “Sub-Zero Polyethylene Encased Hydrogen-Oxygen Trajectile (SPEHOT)”; commonly known as a frozen water bottle.

    Also, never forget that anytime there are 2 or more BLM or ANTIFA supporters in the same place at the same time, you will be guaranteed to witness one of the ABC’s of BLManiana!

    Arson, assault
    Crime, corruption
    Drugs, death, destruction
    Evictions, extortion, ebonics
    Fraud, forgery, fires, felons
    Gangs, ghettos
    Hoodlums, hip-hop, home-
    Invasion, insubordination
    Junk, juvenile delinquency
    Larceny, looting, lying
    Murder, mayhem, marijuana, more…
    Offensive odors
    Pollution, protesters, pot
    Quitters, queers
    Riots, rape, rap music
    Theft, thuggery
    Welfare, and the-
    Yapping of
    Zoo-like animals

  • Ti July 31, 2020, 1:20 pm

    The comments…….

  • Joe Plummer July 31, 2020, 10:40 am

    This is dumber than shit

  • Comrade KHate July 31, 2020, 10:26 am

    This “article” which is truly a botched abortion of at attempt at real writing, started out a bit quirky and then digressed into something “Randy Wharton Jr.” would type on his dirty keyboard. High on Code Red Mountain Dew, laughing at his own second hand embarrassing “jokes”.
    ANTIFA is an ideology, unlike you statue huggin, Capitol stormin, whyt proud boy knuckle draggers. I thought Obama took your guns already??????
    What a parallel world. Pat is the only one with the right amount of chromosomes and intellect to reply.
    The right cannot meme, nor can they effectively articulate a satirical and FUNNY side piece on a “of course you’re like this” website.

    • Mike V July 31, 2020, 2:54 pm

      It was mildly humerous, didn’t need to be anything else.

      Pat is your example of someone with intellect?!?! Did you read that waste of words he posted below or was that you?

      And if ANTIFA is only an idea, why don’t you inform your comrade Pat, he seems convinced it’s a thing and not an idea.

    • Kane July 31, 2020, 8:46 pm

      Speaking of “statue hugging” would you agree that the statue of Malcolm X in NY should be taken down since he was a a black supremist (racist) and he sold women into sexual slavery as a pimp?

      Now those are the FACTS (racist and pimp) that’ he acknowledged himself. We can leave the accusations by a biographer of him raping some man during his days as “Chicago red” out of the issue for now. Should the racist and slave trader Malcolm X have a college named after him in Chicago?

      • Kane August 1, 2020, 10:04 am

        My bad, Malcolm Little was using the moniker “Detroit red” while one of his acquaintances Red Foxx was called “Chicago red.” I still want “KHate” to explain whether the statue of the racist slave trader Malcolm X should have statue and college named after in in the US?

  • Nate July 31, 2020, 9:40 am

    “Having escaped by a red Pelosi hair,…”

    She has had nothing but gray for decades.

  • Pat Bryan July 31, 2020, 8:45 am

    I believe that you are conflating your Proud Boys, Boogaloo Boys and other neoNazi wannabes who love to infiltrate peaceful demonstrations and incite violence by police against citizens peacefully exercising their 1st Amendment rights..
    Now Antifa is pretty peaceful. They like to throw milkshakes at neoNazis, especially neoNazi “journalists” who hire their own assailants for media events and then say “Antifa” beat them up.
    Remember, in 1941 almost everybody in America was in Antifa.
    The problem that you have is that the Republican Party has been actively enlisting and pandering to neoNazis and White Supremacists. Please note that there are NO neoNazis and White Supremacist in the Democratic Party. They are ALL GOPers. They are also responsible for almost all terroristic violence and murder in the USA.
    Trump has confused his terms and referred to “Far-Left Fascists”. That is quite an oxymoron, because Fascism is by definition Far Right totalitarianism run by the Military-Industrial oligarchy. Kinda something like Trump is trying to do; seeing as he is also sending in storm troopers in violation of USC Art 4 Sec 4.
    I suggest that you change your news sources. You are being duped, lied to, propagandized, and filled with so much русская дезинформация it’s a wonder you can’t type cyrrilic.
    If you are not Anti-Fascist, then you are Pro-Fascist.

    • Jesse Jaskowiak July 31, 2020, 9:47 am

      Wow, if you are not the epitome of what a far left radical lunatic is. I don’t what is! Lol! Please spew your hatred elsewhere, we don’t need more comments filled with delusion and Marxism.

    • Tom B July 31, 2020, 10:00 am

      “If you are not Anti-Fascist, then you are Pro-Fascist.”

      This is how progressives divide and conquer to gain power. Put individuals into groups and then play one group against the other group. When you don’t see people as individuals then you have taken away their humanity. They become no different then a herd of cows or sheep or chickens. Since chickens are all the same it doesn’t matter which ones lay the eggs and which ones get their heads cut off and used for dinner.

      Biden says he want to “bring people together”. But HRC says half of Trump voters belong in her “basket of deplorables”. When will we all learn that democrats see nothing wrong with lying to Americans as long as they get to be the absolute rulers of the entire world.

      • BretS July 31, 2020, 11:40 am

        I felt a need to tell TomB that I and so many others couldn’t agree more.

        You know what I don’t understand is how many times it has come out that something the democrats is pushing at everyone comes out to be nothing but lies, sometimes so far out there it is hard for me to believe a child would believe it, yet it openly becomes known to have been lies. They don’t don’t even have to hide it, then almost immediate start pushing another load of garbage and their followers believe and stand behind it. Almost cult-like.

      • Fred Wyatt July 31, 2020, 3:47 pm

        Well said Tom B.!

    • Jim Farmer July 31, 2020, 10:50 am

      You, are a Blooming Idiot . . .

    • whitey July 31, 2020, 1:05 pm

      Pat – definition : non gender soy infused biped, typically lacks a backbone and often cries if IT does not get IT’S way

    • Fred Wyatt July 31, 2020, 3:52 pm

      Baffling them with Bullshit again eh Pat?

    • Fred Wyatt July 31, 2020, 3:58 pm

      And if you believe that bullshit that the Democrats are brainwashing you youngsters with, well I have some ocean front properties in Montana I’d like to sell you, you gullible sob. Trump/Pence in 2020 people!

    • ROBERT CLARK July 31, 2020, 9:34 pm

      Kinda hard not to be pro-fascist when it comes to commies trying to destroy our beloved country from within (not to mention the obstruction of a duly elected president).
      Just in case (I know how much libs hate to research anything more complex than a fast-food menu): Fascism: a political philosophy, movement, or regime (such as that of the Fascisti) that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

    • Uncle Tom August 1, 2020, 10:56 am

      WOW! I bet you believe in unicorns and fairy’s too. You are one Brainwashed idiot! This is typical left group think.

  • Dale Francis July 31, 2020, 8:44 am

    It’s time Antifa and BLM meets mr mayhem.

    • Fred Wyatt July 31, 2020, 3:49 pm

      I’m in!

  • William Sweeney July 31, 2020, 7:44 am

    The author forgot the most important weapon in ANTIFA’s quiver of all… “the Democrat Party” and its hatred for President Trump.

    • Winston July 31, 2020, 5:27 pm

      Trump is representative of heterosexual, traditional white families and particularly job-holding white males. White people who dissent from Ivy League political correctness are who these Bolshevik bigots hate. Plan accordingly.

  • Stan d. Upnow July 31, 2020, 6:37 am

    You forgot the biggest and most powerful weapon of all–

    The Epithet-Spewing Oral Cavity Projector

    Yes, this fearsome device can hurl the vicious verbal arrows that are the current fashionable insults taken from the social media ammo stockpile. Brushing-off the intended effects of such an assault will only invite another, more intense volley of fire. Beware!

  • Mike V July 31, 2020, 4:37 am

    Wow, that bio is impressive, reminds me of Will Dabbs…

  • Will July 31, 2020, 3:29 am

    Hmmm… I wonder if there’s a market for concrete 30-rnd scale cast concrete magazines? They could load them into thier $12 airsoft carriers & be all tacti-tickles & stuff…

    Or the flip side…

    Bricks made from compressed red talcum powder… Trick golf-balls anyone?

    Or for all you patriotic brothers with can & golfball cannons for their rifles… Compressed talcum & Carolina Reaper pepper shells should send them back to their mommies basements…

    Off to the shop… Time to play… 🙂

  • Bobs your uncle July 30, 2020, 2:24 pm

    Hopefully they will all be wearing their bullet magnet vests

    • Michael July 31, 2020, 8:40 am

      Bullet Magnet Vests. Too funny. Still laughing.

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